Guilt

Hello readers,

I didn't want to start the first post of 2017 on such mood but it has been bugging me and you, as my reader, deserved to know what happened over the past few months.

I was in a depression state which started two months ago. I felt tied down by certain matters that did not allow me to have control over. I started to feel anxious, worried and even overthink about small trivial matters. Over the past weeks, from depression state led to become an angry state. I began to be frustrated with the things around me and questioning what is happening to the people around me and myself.

Sometimes, I do wished that I was holding a gun and pulling a trigger at something, for violence leaves a delight to my bones. However, as time goes by, I knew deep down I wasn't making myself happy and for that I get into a confusion. Anybody who knows me will know that I am making a fool out of myself and therefore, I become someone I am not even familiar with.

This week, I let a friend down and I know deep down I can never retract what I said or wrote. While I thought I was doing a right thing, I forgotten the fact that not everyone believe in the truth. I was questioned and all I could do was to tell white lies. I sat in the dark, cold classroom, only to think that I was paying for my sins I committed. I am not asking for any pity, all I want is to say what I wanted to say.

I even looked at myself in the mirror and questioned about my actions. The more I looked into my eyes, the more I wanted to stab myself. I couldn't believe a person like myself has changed and I was no longer the person I used to be. I wish I could find some help...